my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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