she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
