Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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