I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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