it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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