I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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