i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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