I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
