matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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