my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
