Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
