i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
