remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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