WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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