i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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