Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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