You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
