who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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