i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
