Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
