This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
