Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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