I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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