Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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