Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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