drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You may now shotgun with the bride
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
