I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
