she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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