we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm too high and old for this...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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