omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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