I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
either way he was missing a nipple.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize