my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
