An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Two words: blizzard sex
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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