My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
