I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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