I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
