she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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