i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
