like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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