You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
