if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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