every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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