Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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