dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
