It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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