I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Drunk is not a location!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
