so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You pole danced in your parka.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
