just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
