seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
