I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
