i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
