i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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