so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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