omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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