i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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