you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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