brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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