Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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