I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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