You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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