we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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